Nuremberg - Many couples plan to grow old together and enjoy their retirement by doing things together they couldn't do when they were younger such as travelling the world.
Illness is never part of the plan, and when it strikes, dreams of a fulfilling retirement can change 180 degrees in one minute to the next. Illnesses like influenza and more serious chronic diseases and cancer can cause hardship over a long period of time or perhaps for the rest of one's life.
"Such illnesses can throw a relationship off track," said Michaela Nuessel, a psychologist and relationship therapist in Nuremberg. Even when couples believe they know each other down to the smallest detail, "when one of the partners becomes ill, established patterns within the relationship often don't work any more."
Suddenly, worries dominate life, as routine habits and comforting rituals are no longer workable.
"It's very important that couples talk about their expectations," said Nuessel. Knowledge of their partner's thoughts and feelings helps guard against a negative spiral into which many couples slip after a serious illness is diagnosed. Each will have to cope with the affected partner's mood swings, restlessness and weakness.
"When people don't have mutual understanding, the first painful event that damages the relationship is quickly followed by many more," said Nuessel.
"At the beginning of an illness, the healthy partner doesn't recognize the multitude of problems it raises in one's living situation," according to authors Susanne Krejsa und Jan-Hinnerk Jacke. In their strong belief and desire for everything to be normal again, the healthy partner becomes very proactive after learning the diagnosis.
"And they bend over backwards for their partner," said Tim Grosch, a psychologist in Berlin. But always being strong, giving your all while projecting calmness and confidence - "nobody can achieve that," said Grosch.
Things can get really difficult when the sick partner recognizes that despite his efforts, there's no improvement in sight.
"What follows is great frustration, and it's not uncommon for this to end in burnout," said Grosch, referring to the development, which can be observed in many partnerships. Nuessel warns that the partner who becomes the caregiver should not give up on themselves. Even when they feel plagued by problems, the healthy partner should think of their own needs.
"They should regularly do things that do them some good," suggested Nuessel. That also often means organizing help with care.
Mood swings, frustration and anger over the burdensome situation are part of a common scenario, also for the person who is ill. It's important to let these feeling out and not to let them become bottled up inside," said Nuessel. To prevent these emotions from landing exclusively on the caregiver, the sick partner should maintain his or her social contacts.
"This is where other family members can take on some of the weight," said Neussel.
It helps to create a list of bright spots to avoid the entire relationship revolving around the illness.
"Think about some wonderful things you can do together," said Nuessel. Even if everything is no longer possible, there's always something good. It doesn't matter that it may have to be on a smaller scale. (dpa)
